Over One Year Later – Gaijinhan

Over One Year Later

I arrived back in Singapore some couple of days ago and for some strange reason, my heart was racing and I was literally shaking. Up till now, I still feel nervous and some sense of uneasiness is bubbling within me.

While Singapore is a country I spent over 27 years of my life in, I feel like I don’t know this place as much as I did anymore. Sure, things have certainly changed and new buildings have sprung up over the past year, but I suspect it’s less about the seemingly changed physical surrounding. When I do something or say something to whomever, I feel really nervous about how the other party will respond. The Singaporeans on the streets now don’t seem to be the Singaporeans I used to know. I can no longer guess their responses.

I don’t seem to feel that way when I visit a new country for the first time. It’s usually more excitement than nervousness. I’m guessing it might be due to the obliterated line between knowing and not knowing. While everything seems so familiar, there is a sense of unfamiliarity that is not visible to me. Call it a ghost of unfamiliarity if you will.

Though my heart is still beating faster than it should, I think it should return to normal in a couple more days. If it doesn’t, I probably should see a doctor for transient idiopathic arrhythmia.

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