I’m Not Okay… Yet – Gaijinhan

I’m Not Okay… Yet

Since last June, I had been telling people I’m alright and how quickly I usually recover from breakups. Because when I was younger, I learned that crying it out makes me get over things faster. The exact words I used were, “Give me 1 month and I can get over anything.”

But this time, I realized I was just putting up a strong front, not so much for others but for myself. I wanted to be okay so I began telling myself that I’m okay. Because I’m a firm believer that time cannot heal anything unless you are willing to heal yourself. And for a significant amount of time, I thought I was healed until recently, when M, the girl whom I was going to marry, responded to my message saying she got married at the end of last year and is already pregnant.

I kind of figured that when she suddenly blocked me on Facebook, probably because she was worried I was gonna feel hurt if I see it. I congratulated her, hiding my melancholy, and casually asked when she was due. But I got a shock when she told me the baby was due end of June because that would mean she got pregnant about 4 months after we broke up.

A few people whom I confided in raised the possibility of her cheating on me while we were still together. But to me, it doesn’t matter anymore. Asking her is meaningless because it will just make her feel miserable regardless of the truth of the matter. When I looked back at the pictures we took together, the one thing I know is that I don’t ever want to see that face cry. So the one best thing that can come out of this is that she goes on to lead a blissful life.

Thinking back, I realized I never really cried over this gone relationship. Maybe if I bawled it out, can I finally get closure.

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