Ms. D was watching Tokyo Tarareba Girls and asked me about one of the scenes where this girl, who was dating a married man, was being reprimanded by her friends who told her that if things go awry, she might lose money too. The question: Why would she lose money?
The reason was simple. The wife could sue her and she would have to pay damages. But the interesting thing is, this Heart Balm statute is not available in most countries now except for Japan and some states in the USA. The original reason for this statute was to punish the third party for alienation of affection, pushing a spouse away from their husband/wife. Such lawsuits are called Heart Balm because the law acts as a balm for the heart of the jilted.
However, this is an archaic law that has been abolished by most nations around the world because the legal system believes that such matters of the heart should not be treated as legal wrongs where money damages or other relief are available. Rather, divorces should be a matter of fairly addressing child custody, child support, and property/finances so that the parties can move on with their respective lives.
It’s even more interesting that despite the existence of Heart Balm laws, affairs with married persons are still very common in Japan, such that it’s no longer a surprise seeing it on news of celebrities who cheat on their spouses. And definitely not rare among the common people, with a street survey revealing that 1 in 4 women has cheated on their partner.
I wonder how much money has been made and lost from such affairs. Somewhere, there could be some crafty couple making it a business by setting out to cheat with a third party, sue the said third party for some 3 million yen (approx. SGD$36,000), and then abandon them.
Sounds very possible.
What do you think is the cause for such affairs being so common?
I believe part of the reason is as written in this post.
Many of them get married for the sake of getting married instead of with the one they love. The other reason could be that they did marry someone they love, but since it’s the goal, after marriage, there is little effort in keeping the marriage strong. The wife stops working and participates in some activity where another man showers her with love, their heart starts to go aflutter and things happen. There are even stories of housewives buying things online and since the delivery man is always the same person in charge of that district, they see these guys so often, they have affairs at their own homes while their husbands are out at work. That’s why there’s the drama Hirugao – Love Affairs in the Afternoon. That’s probably the time the wives feel the loneliest. But that’s just my guess. What do you think?
Good point.
Yeah I think as I have also partially mentioned in the above post you linked to, there are several reasons why
1) Like you said, Marriage is a goal for Japanese girls. Because of the gender inequality in Japan, there is not much of a future for working woman. Being a housewife and having your physical needs taken care of is better than squeezing into the jam-packed train at 7am everyday and coming home at midnight.
2) Have you ever felt that Japanese social relations are extremely poor? While people respect one another a lot, they tend to withhold intimate details about themselves, and usually even from families and close friends. That’s why Japanese like to speak English, it removes that stress and allows them to be themselves, even if that entails speaking gibberish. Japanese language is complicated, like how you mentioned in one of your posts that they have such apt words for describing feelings. I think this speaks volume about how much in everyday communication is left unspoken, and speakers often have to make inferences based on guttural noises and body language. It is not easy to read a Japanese’s emotions. Like you mentioned again in one of your posts, that’s why they have honne and tatemae.
3) Again like I mentioned in one of my previous comments, husbands work late and don’t see their families often. I don’t think emotional intimacy is valued in Japanese culture. Japanese culture is about duty, they put duty above themselves. They have been indoctrinated since young that they are different from the ”rest”, that there is such a thing called the Japanese race. Going back to pre-WWII era, when the Emperor was regarded as a divine figure, Japanese were raised to believe that their whole lives are dedicated to serving the emperor, and to die for him. I admire their work ethic and ability to introspect, always looking to improve themselves and ”ganbaru”. Their selfless nature to put the country before themselves is also impressive. Anyway I digress.
3) So to elaborate on the above point, Japanese culture is still about duty. But the world has been changing, young women these days are no longer confined to their traditional roles. Instantaneous communication and social media have also led to the rise of hedonism and instant gratification. When young Japanese women watch all these Western movies, they start wanting romance as well. Just go youtube and search “Japanese girl would date who” or, “What do Japanese girls think of Japanese guys”. Any video, for the former, 99% would say yes, they would date foreigners, but only Westerners. Either for cute half-babies or romance, I don’t know. For the latter, you will often hear stuff like “Japanese guys are not proactive”, “Herbivore men”, etc. So yes, it is the irreversible change in attitude and thinking. The result? A falling birth rate that has grim prospects for the nation’s future
I, too, hate the rush hour in Japan, and I definitely find the honne and tatemae thing a little tiring to deal with. Although I’m not sure how many like to use English, I think it’s important for Japanese to find a better balance between being polite and putting up a facade. I think your point about the low priority in emotional intimacy is spot on, and that point comes in well with the mismatch in expectations from the women who expect more romance in their, well, romance.
Instead of seeing marriage as a goal- may I suggest another possibility- the differences in expectation.
For example, a girl might think that getting married is an easier way of life as compared to the tough working life, and ended up regretting her decision?
Changes in lifestyle, increase in responsibilities and leading a much mundane life (as compared to the carefree single life) are some of the possible factors contributing to one’s likelihood in straying.
Yes, I agree. It’s easy to think we want to work when we’ve got nothing to do, and want to quit when we’re working.
Not being able to lead the same life they used to before marriage is something I never considered, but it’s a very valid point.
This discussion is getting so interesting. Let me add my 2 yen worth (I learn from the best, right, GJH lol).
First of all, I think there is a social norm of wanting to get married by 30. Hence, women want to get married and that is as what GJH mentioned, their goal, because if they don’t, they are odd, they are weird, they are undesirable, they don’t fit. In a way, social norm standards deem them a ‘failure’ in a way. This is all fine, because actually, in SG or other countries, such mindsets exist too. But the problem lies in the fact that JP women obsession with it is to a much larger extent, to the point of wanting a marriage just to ‘not be odd’ and not because of wanting a partner and love for life. It seems like if they find a guy of the right qualities, they will do what they need to do, say what they need to say, to score themselves a proposal. Love does not seem to be essential, which is crazy, in my opinion.
This problem, is again, made worse by what Mr Wong mentioned, that JPneses tend to withhold their emotions and thoughts and leave much to guessing. So like any other marriage in any other part of the world, when two persons get married based on unclear expectation, unclear understanding of each other, lack of honest communication, plus the ‘real person’ showing when the ‘girlfriend’ manage to become a ‘wife’, obviously the marriage is going to crack. Marriage is hard enough as it is. Throw in all these factors, of course it is not going to be hard for affairs to blossom.
And maybe it is made worse when husbands and wives do not sleep together in the same bed.
Btw, recently there is an article about how 60% of women in JP does not wish to date but 80% of them want to get married. This just shows how warped their mindset is. They also mentioned how child birth is their goal, and having instagrammable wedding is what they want.
It seems to me that a lot of the things JP women want are merely superficial things or things to ‘fit in’ to the society’s norm. Basically, face value.
This is getting a bit long, but the article also mentioned that for JP men, 60% do not wish to get married while 80% wish to have a gf. HAHA.
Good luck to JP and their birth rate, at this rate. lol.
I guess, in the end, at least 50% might get what they want? 😛
LOL, yea. 40% of the men who want to get married can marry half the 80% of women who want to get married; and 40% of the women who want to date can date half the 80% of men who think the same.
Sounds like friend J that I wrote about. She did marry a guy because she thought it’s better to have a failed marriage by her age than never be married at all. Couples not sleeping in the same room is very common in Japan. So common, I’m more surprised to find a couple sleeping together here.
Sounds like more men have commophobia (commitment phobia) while more women have lotsophobia (left-on-the-shelf phobia).
* randomly made up those words *